December 31, 2012.
The last day of the year 2012. Whilst others would like to conclude this year with roaring festivities, blazing fireworks and rocketing noises, I'd like to spend this last day taking a quiet day off -- reflecting on the year gone by, the many, many things that have occurred, the tears I've shed (for both happiness and sadness) and the actions I've taken to get to this very day and things like that. Well all that, aside from the other doing regular stuff like general cleaning in my house, bathing my dog, burying myself in a book, eating my heart out with my family and of course, finally writing an entry after another 3-month hiatus.
And what better way to wrap an entire year's worth of experiences than in my very own blog space?
Before anything else, however, I'd like to take this time to express some things I've been keeping quiet about for the past 3 weeks or so, if only with just the intention to finally speak up my mind regarding the events surrounding this month of December. Surely, I'd be allowed that, especially if done in my own personal space.
stubborn faith in certain people held high on a pedestal in my mind, so much so I can sincerely express how fed up I am and how I can (would want to) actually go on the next year without them being in my life.
Now, I can clearly distinguish (and finally dispatch with) between those flaky people I've misplaced my trust in for far too long and those who will always stand by me, no matter what I say or do, without even trying so hard to win their approval.
While the depths of my heart still run deep with resentment (months long of being used from the littlest to the biggest things, of longing, of being cast away, of being lied to and manipulated, of being brought to the lowest several times in a year, of letting the darkness take hold as well, and the like), my heart soars more with gratitude. Because while I've sunk to my lowest (both to my own doing and to others), I've also soared to my highest. For that, hope greatly sparks within me for the things to come and for things left undone. That all worthy bridges burned this year will someday be renewed and that I will be able to let go, if not, forgive, and live to create happiness for myself, my family, the people in my life now and the people who have yet to come.
Addressing the issue in itself: Personally, I do not see the wrong of acting upon a desire that burned only momentarily and no more, especially if no great sin was invoked (e.g. coveting another's belonging, ruining an ongoing relationship, etc). You cannot ruin what has already been ruined, probably even long before you've realized its actual ruin. I've expressed my deepest apologies to certain people who might've been extremely offended by my personal decisions and I hope they feel the sincerity of my apology, if just that.
But if not accepted, I have no intention of further people-pleasing by begging whole-heartedly or pushing the issue to be resolved any time soon, simply because I personally do not see the extreme wrongness of it nor the necessity of further placing damage upon myself. What I do find wrong is this simple observation of: people prancing around on high horses, speaking, thinking, commenting and gossiping on the issue as if they know everything to the tiniest core. I find it exceptionally wondrous (and a bit disturbing) how just very two-faced people are and the fact that people handed with second, third, fourth, even fifth-based information are the ones running around and making the effort to inject baseless and senseless opinions to an issue that clearly does not involve them. I pray for these people everyday - that they find meaning in their lives, or at least something to do, like simple activities of reading a book or watching a series, something to enrich the soul and mind, at the least. Honestly, if you want to talk, or if you want to add more insult to me, by all means, simply text or tag me directly, I have no qualms about that. On my part, I've already said my piece to the ones I've wished to directly speak to in a private manner. I can only hope that those who wish an audience with me speak freely and directly to me, instead of creating subtle (but obvious) comments through social networking sites.
Moving on, this year has been a serious whirlwind for me. I've reached my highest and my lowest several times in one year and honestly, it's been such a wonder. I'm a bit excited to see what this new year will bring to me, I can't wait for all the good, the bad, the fun and the new set of despair to come reign in my life. Hopefully, my decisions will be better now that I've been given practically an entire year (10 months to be exact) to dwell upon things. I leave this year dignified and balanced, filled with hope and excitement on what's to come. So hurrah! Here we go, here we go~!
To you: You will always be someone I care for. And I know at the bottom most part of your mind and heart, beyond the hate and resentment we both feel for each other now, you will always care for me too. And someday, you and I will be okay. But for now, distance is best and here it is. After 10 months of being lost and drenched in despair because of you (and what happened between us), I am finally letting you go. Goodbye, dear love. You will always be wonderful (even in your monstrous ways). I dream and hope for someday that we shall meet again and simply, be okay with each other. Till then, let us work on ourselves, our success and ultimately, our happiness.
To everyone else: Thank you all for just being the best and for being with me this 2012. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my lives with all of you, making more memories and creating experiences and just going thru life together!
I end this extremely long and somewhat dramatic post with a jumbled photo-recap of my year -- people, quotes and events that I hold dear to my heart, all of which made up my 2012.
Right, and before I end, I wanted to enlist a few New Year's resolutions I intend to see through this 2013:
1). Find happiness for myself, first and foremost. Enough with the people-pleasing, eliminate flaky people in my life as a step one to achieving this.
2). Get a decent job (of my choice) or continue with my business-plans, or move to Tokyo -- and make a final decision on all things related to this PRONTO.
3). READING CHALLENGE (I have never done this before and I'm a bit of a slow reader at that): Read 15 different books this 2013.
4). Dance again.
5). An intimate beach trip with my closest and most trustworthy friends.
6). TRIP CHALLENGE: Find a way to travel to (one or all) Hong Kong, Korea and Bangkok. Or revisit Singapore.
7). Keep an actual flow with this blog (avoiding anymore lazy spells and hiatuses).
8). Be more financially-responsible.
Hmm, for now, that's about it for my 2013 resolutions. What are yours? Share if you like, or spend them with me or simply make them happen! Haha. I can't wait, I can't wait for 2013! And I'm excited for you as well! Smile, drink and be merry! And once again, thank you for taking part in my 2012.
Happy New Year, everyone! I can't wait to start a new adventure with you all! 2013 HERE WE GO! :D