"You're going to be okay. It won't hurt so bad and you'll eventually move on. You did the right thing by moving forward and it's okay to hurt. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not dumb and you are not selfish. You have goals and ambition. Don't let anyone stand in your way ever again. Take the pain and use it. Strive for better, strive for success; it'll be the best revenge. Believe in yourself and have the confidence to stand alone. No one made you the person you are today. You will be okay and this will only make you a better person. Work harder and stay as strong as the day allows you to be. There's nothing wrong with being alone. No one should sway your decision to settle; never, ever settle. You deserve better, whatever that may mean. You are smart and you can and will do all the things you want to do. Some days may be hard and you may want to give up, but the goal is to never give up. Believe in yourself and no one can ever stop you.
You will be okay."
-- a passage from Zoe Badley's Queen of Hearts blog.
Let me take this opportunity to become a bit more personal. In the dead of the night, I'd like to record a few sentimental thoughts for the heck of just creating a cathartic experience for myself. Today has been one of those days filled with simple struggles, like smiling, or laughing. The need to write hasn't been as powerful as it is now. So here we go.
For weeks now, I have unlikely been caught in the spectacle of watching a deteriorating relationship unfold. When loving someone has become a burden, how do you set yourself free? Or the bigger question, can you even? I have no words of comfort. I can only watch as worlds crumble around me. It's like I am a mere child watching her parents fight and burn before her eyes; different characters and elements, same scenario.
I realize that outside of my world, others are struggling in their own battles, lost in their own confusion, trying to understand the meaning of the word love, trying to make sense of the path they've stumbled upon. The light at the end of the tunnel seems so far-fetched. I see the strength of holding on, the struggling to keep a straight face, the high road that is so difficult to thread on.
And then, Peter Pan enters my mind.
Ever since I could remember, I have always and vehemently disagreed with Wendy's decision to grow up. Peter clearly loved her. He gave her everything she could possibly wish for. Although he never asked her to stay, it's a given that she remain by his side, away from the world she knew, forever in Neverland. But then, she decided to grow up and the chances of them ever being together are gone straight to point nil. I hated that. She was an idiot, and I didn't get it.
Now, I do.
Suddenly, it all just came to me that Wendy just suddenly understood that it was all an illusion -- that while yes, he could give her everything she wished for, he could not -- and would not -- give her the one thing she truly asked for. It was simple really, so simple that words need not be said. She only asked that he be by her side, no matter the repercussions. And that she suddenly knew (from some unexpected intuition within her) that this wish would never be granted and that somehow, even if she openly loved him since day one, she knew deep within her that she didn't deserve someone who wouldn't move his world for her; that if she stayed forever by his side, no benefits to her whatsoever, she would lose herself and the potential of all she could be. And when that moment would happen, what then? Would she still love him as much as she first did when his shadow flew in her bedroom? If she gave and gave with the guarantee that he would never really let her in? She would not allow herself to be stuck somewhere safe and familiar, she had to know what was out there, she had to find out what was more. It didn't mean that she loved Peter any less -- in fact, he truly was the One for her and she would always keep that in her heart. But how could she stay for someone who wouldn't change for her -- who wouldn't move Neverland to where she was? He would drag her there, yes. But never leave it. Neverland was his to move and do whatever with it. But he would not dare leave it, this shelter he's honed for ages now -- even for her. She deserved something more than just being stuck with a boy who never wanted to grow up. And in that turning point and at age 14, she understood that.
That's what growing up is all about, I suppose.
Right now, we're all struggling to grow up, to face the real world ahead of us. It's more than what people let on -- it's more than just inserting the word maturity in the sentence. This entails us to leave the things we've held so dearly to our lives for so long. How could we? And where do we even begin with? Perhaps, I'm going a little over-analytical with this Peter-Wendy dissection, but with the recent events, this is simply my conclusion -- a literary reference of sorts that everyone can seemingly all relate to.
We all have our fears of a future unknown. We all don't want to leave our comfort zones. But what if... what if the moment was worth it? We will never know till the end really. Honestly, it's really difficult, all of this. And I wonder how my parents managed it, how my mother was able to do it and how my friends have that strength within them to just let go.
Although I understand things now, it doesn't mean I accept them -- that I'm into doing them. Honestly, I'd rather not. I'd rather remain impatient, immature, whiny, selfish and spoiled. But in the long run, where would that leave me? Searching for happiness isn't as lovely as Hollywood movies make it seem to be. They always show how they make the turning point 'mature' decisions. They never show the process of how people go through them. Is there room for mistakes and failure? Or is it a picture perfect life after such turning point risk-taking decision?
I'm scared that someday I will lose my ability to laugh. And when that happens, what then?
Too much thoughts. But well, this is the 'Contemplations' corner. These days, I think of home often, of my mother and how much I miss her; of Tokyo and the solemnity of that urban city. I want to travel. I want get out of this hell-hole. I want to fly away for awhile. I miss home.
I'm tired and I have forgotten the conclusion of this entire blog. But well, to whoever reads this, I'm sure you'll get it. Think about the things that you deserve, think about your individuality, and do not be afraid of it.
Eventually, things will be okay.
Eyes drooping. Off too bed now. If you read this from start to finish, I salute you. Wow.